Monday, October 23, 2006
one chance
What I'm about to write now is something that I think is right. Yes I know I may be wrong, but if you think I’m wrong and strongly disagree with me, pardon me but I don't really care. Care has ceased to have any meaning to me.
This time round I'm sitting alone at the fast food joint writing this to no one in particular and just having a miserable time to myself. Never knew a little companionship would hurt somebody so much. Well. It's all done now. No longer have someone to look at me while I eat. What can I say? This world isn’t fair anyhow. Tried to shake it all off from my head but I just couldn't. It stays on my mind even how hard I try. Things I hope will happen just refuse to come. Well, that's the thing about hopes and wishes. They never come true.
There's this saying that elders used to say to us deluded people who believed that hopes and dreams will never come true unless we put in enough effort and try our best to make it come true. There are two things to the saying. One being that it's a total bullshit, and the other is that these things will never happen. Or maybe I gave hope to others and left none for myself. I guess that's it.
Yes I know I'm starting to sound 'emo' and all, but who cares? I mean, if you're sad, you're sad. What's all with the 'emo' word that you call those who feel sad? This is what happens when people who don’t understand just refuses to accept the fact that they don't understand and pretends as if they know everything.
But come to think of it, at least they bother to act to know everything rather than just acting as if nothing happen and not care. All I did was to care and what I got in return is this? Is making someone smile a sin that I never knew about? Maybe it's because of my shallow knowledge of my religion, but for me knowing what’s right and wrong is enough and I believe I’m old enough to differentiate between what's wrong and what's right.
For those who are against me, I know what I might be doing now is wrong, and that's because you think what you're thinking now is right. What about those who thinks the opposite? The social need of one can be so desperate one can do things that he himself said he wouldn’t. And there's no one there to stop him or do anything about it. That's just the way it is. Going against my own words is what some may call hypocritical. But these things won't happen unless something triggers it off.
This is a free world, but how come there's when the need of self-expression is such a sin one can be hated? Weird but if you hadn't went through this or know what I'm talking about, you have a lot to learn. I know myself that I'm stubborn and couldn’t care less what others think about me. If you hate me, that's your problem. You give yourself problems you never knew I don't give a damn. Things do happen for a reason. What's the reason to this? Thinking every night alone in my bedroom never gives me an answer. Thinking about the past just hurts me and thinking about the future is just so 'dreamy'. The future won’t come if the past refuse to leave. Maybe that's what I should do. Forget my past and move on with the future.
But what if the past is so hard to let go? I know these things happen a lot to everyone, but let me have my chance to experience it. Some might say it's not a big deal, but again, like I said before, these are the people who act as if they know everything and thought being the shoes of others is so simple. If it is that simple, to be in the shoes of others, I wouldn't be here writing this to myself.
But what's the point? Writing when nothing will change? Bet some will go "OMG this guy is so EMO!" or "Just get a grip and get a life". If you know me enough you know I wouldn't give a damn about what you say to me. You can hate me for that fact. And like I said earlier, you're just adding another person on your 'problem list'. I'll have my own say and if you hate this, go fix yourself something that can make you smile or be happy about. At least by doing so I know someone is happy. Who likes an angry world anyway?
I guess I’ll just stop here before my name appears on multiple 'problem list' of others. I may not care about what people say about me, but at least I could spare a thought for someone who doesn't really matter to me, may even be a stranger to me. But everyone has a world of their own right? It's just that if my world can't go the way I want it to be, why should spoil others' when I’m not part of theirs?
In any case that anyone who is reading, or read, this and got hurt in any way, i'm sorry. it's not intentional but i need something to let loose myself.
In you I confine myself. I know we’ve been through good and bad times. But the love you showed me in the past have always been on my mind. I gave my heart to you. I gave my heart cos there’s nothing in this world can compare to you.